Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I’m not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity!

WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU’VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE.

AS IF YOU HADN’T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN’T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE!

PLEASE DON’T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I’LL FUCK YOU UP! I’LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU’LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN’T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!!

YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!!

NEXT YEAR YOU’LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE…YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely,

Johnny

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by Alison Nielson

Aries – Decides to get dressed up in fire engine red and play Santa. Showing off for the eager little kids, he climbs on the roof, takes a tumble and spends Christmas in a neck brace.
Taurus – Visions of sugarplums. And sugar cookies and gingerbread and fruitcake and eggnog and Christmas ham.
Gemini – Should I go skiing in St. Moritz or surfing at Waikiki?
Cancer – Decorates a beautiful tree, puts up lights in the yard, hangs the stockings and sits by the fire waiting for the kids to come home.
Leo – I wonder what Santa is bringing me for Christmas this year? I hope he read my letter carefully. Last year was really unacceptable-I mean, really, K-mart? Everyone knows I only wear designer brands.
Virgo – Works 60 hours getting Christmas ready at her favorite charity. Collapses and spends Christmas at home in bed.
Libra – Sets up an online business selling post-season Christmas items at a discount.
Scorpio – Visits Transylvania, obtains a genealogical certificate to prove matrilineal descent from Count Dracula.
Sagittarius – Wins the lottery and shops and shops and shops for friends and family, presenting each with a stocking the size of a car.
Capricorn – Spends Christmas at the North Pole helping Santa decide who was good and who was bad and deciding who gets how much.
Aquarius – Writes a book on the historical origins of Christmas.
Pisces – Dresses up as Santa, goes to a bad part of town and starts passing out presents to poor children. Gets mugged and peacefully hands over wallet. Spends Christmas calling credit card companies.

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Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies:

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour oneLevel Cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer.. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to Makesure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup…just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor…

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Checkthe Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Gre ash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall ove r.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas

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There was a perfect man and a perfect woman.

They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day while the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in their perfect car, they saw Santa Claus on the side of the road.

Being the perfect people they were they picked him up because they didn”t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) upset because it was close to Christmas.

As the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident.

Two people died and 1 lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman lived because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren’t real…

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One of my all time fave Christmas songs and Bruce Springsteen’s version is my all time fave of this song. This one looks a little more professional than the one I posted over on Facebook and looks a little more “official.”

Plus, there’s more footage of Clarence in this one and it’s really good to see him.

Rest in peace Big Man, rest in peace.

Clarence Anicholas Clemons, Jr.
(January 11, 1942 – June 18, 2011)

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1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
9. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You’re at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you’re the only one under the coffee table.

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‘Twas da night befo’ Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that’s how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin’ phat beats cuz the system’s fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas’ ‘Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody’s ass!
well anyway….

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin’ & just mind yo’ bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren’t even buggin’, no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin’ an thumpin’ from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin’, da ride was phat I said, “Yo red Dawg, you all that!”
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, “Ay yo, give it up, let’s make some noise!”
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!”

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin’ on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, “Yo ain’t got no stack!” he said, “Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don’t worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz.”
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit’ a b-ball bat.

I said, “Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?”
he said,”You best get on up out my face!”
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit’ rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin’ at home.

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty…..
“WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!”

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