For Kirsten

FuckYou

 
 

Magic Shrooms

 
 

Fuck u Friday 13th

 
 

Wrong Hole

 
 

donny_wood

 
 

tatto_flash

 
 

tom-howdy.

 
 

giddiup

 
 

fuck-you

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I wanna See Your Peacock

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The Zombie Apocalypse Team

Ok, it’s 2013. 12/21/12 has come and gone but has it?

Just in case the Mayans were just a little off, I present to you the Ultimate Zombie Task Force!

Ultimate-Zombine-Apocalypse-Team

What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve

Ok I know, it’s technically New Year’s DAY but it’s YouTubesDay and I posted as close to yesterday as I ossiboe could.

Happy New Year everybody!!!

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A Boy and His Train

A Boy and his Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we’re leaving.”

The mother went into the living room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.”

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Beer Bottle Christmas Tree

The Night Before Christmas

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days – they all are the pits

They want the impossible …Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them

They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment

I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I’m going SOUTH for the season!

Shower Instructions

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor where they dropped.
Walk naked into the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your weiner at her and say something stupid.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck your gut in to see if you have pecs/abs. (You don’t.) Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror and scratch your privates.
Get in the shower.
Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one). Wash your face… wash your armpits… Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Wash your privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (no conditioner), make a shampoo mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee in the shower and rinse off. Get out, and fail to notice the puddle of water on the floor because you left the shower curtain hanging outside of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off, look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire weiner again. Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on the floor, bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife on the way, grab your weiner, say something stupid, and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. Fart and go about your day.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush into the bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how fat you are getting.
Get in the shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15-20 minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash.
Rinse conditioner out of hair. (This takes at least 15 minutes, as you must be sure you’ve gotten it all out.)
Shave armpits and legs. Consider bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces. Spray any spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the ANY sign of a blemish. Dwell. Attack with nails and/or tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom in long dressing gown with towel on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush into the bedroom to spend 2 hours getting dressed.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town